


Acidic Mind

by MuddyInk



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Betrayal, Bipper, Death, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Electrocution, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insane Dipper Pines, Insanity, Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Disintegration, Mental Instability, Mild Smut, Mind Sex, Murder, Non-Consensual Electroconvulsive Therapy, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Running Away, The Mindscape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-31 05:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20787626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuddyInk/pseuds/MuddyInk
Summary: They thought it would go away at the end of the war. They were wrong.





	Acidic Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Halfway through the story switched to Dippers broken mind state. Just in case that's confusing.

* * *

_Whole_

I wonder if they thought it wouldn’t matter after everything. They thought that all would go back to before, and we could continue to enjoy our time together like we had when the first summer began but we all know that was never how these things go. Sure there's the “happily ever after" but have you ever thought about what comes after the after? It isn’t always sunshine and smiles. Sometimes, sometimes the after makes you wish it had ended in the before, because at least the before was better than this.

I heard voices in the before time. Six quiet voices whispering silly lies in my ear. The voices that were easy to ignore, but were always there. It was like when your ears get damaged and you have that constant high pitched ringing, if you ignore it you forget it’s there but when you think about it suddenly it’s so loud. The kind that makes sure you are never in silence, slowly driving you mad without you ever realizing what was happening. They were easy to deal with, for me anyways. I didn’t have to pretend I was fine because I was. When we left for the summer to Gravity Falls I thought I would still be fine. Just fine. When we arrived I already felt uneasy, like I had eyes on me. Eyes that weren’t that of my family, anyway. We went inside and got settled but that feeling wouldn’t leave me. It made me wish I had just refused to come at all.

I just kept brushing it off but the paranoia was definitely getting to me. Those voices were becoming much more noticeable. The woods were cool too until I found a hallow tree that turned out to be some kind of control panel that opened the dirt. Inside that weird hiding spot was journal 3. Reading it was one of the biggest mistakes I could have possibly made. I stood, panicked and flipping through the pages and seeing the “trust no one" part. Then Mabel popped up. She was offended that I wouldn’t show her what I had so I just told her it was “private boy things" she ood at me and we went back to the shack together. She told everyone about how I looked at perv things too so that was nice.

Things got really tense though. All those monsters and creatures showing up, us having to fight them. No one would believe us about it either and somehow that made it worse for me. I lived constantly paranoid about what would come out next. What if I died? What if something followed us home? Questions swimming around my head how could any child be expected to deal with that?

Bill entered soon after too. Having to go through that.. seeing the things I saw and even making a deal to have him in my head? That just piled a whole load of trauma onto the already towering cluster. Then when the government shows up and tries to handle everything and you accidentally summon a bunch of zombies. Yeah real great summer fun guys. Oh and it also turned out my Grunkle Stan was a huge liar and wasn’t even who he said he was, had a whole portal in his secret basement, and knew about the paranormal activity going on in the town the whole time. And Mabel who so lovingly claimed I was the one she trusted most, that I was her other half, and she would always be with me, trusted that man over me.

Even when I was screaming that he was lying she chose not to trust me over him. The betrayal I felt was so overwhelming. The real Stanford came out of the portal and they revealed everything, but it was just.. even if I would have ruined 30 years work and potentially killed him Mabel didn’t trust me. The things just got even worse. I had no friends, I had no trust. I only had the voices.

I know they blame me now for this even if it wasn’t my fault entirely. I was in a haze, distracted, disassociating. After Ford asked me to stay and be his apprentice after the alien things, and Mabel heard me say yes, she took the wrong backpack. She made a bad deal with Bill in exchange for the rift and it was all over. It was my fault, everyone knew that. They told me I was only getting in the way. Ford said Bill did something to my mind to make me mess up so badly but I knew the truth. Bill knew it too. That’s why he told everyone the only deal he would make from then on would be with me. Everyone said they wouldn’t sacrifice me to Bill but I saw it in their eyes. They were thinking “its all his fault, he should be the one to fix it” and they were right.

I botched saving Mabel and Wendy had to step in. I almost got everyone killed multiple times, so by the time we reached the final show down I was just done. I only wanted this to be over with by any means necessary. Stan and Ford were captured and we were perhaps on the brink of death, but I made my plan on the spot. I shouted out that I wanted to make a deal and he came down interested. I said I would let him go through my memories and then he could do whatever he wanted with my body. He accepted my deal, and went inside me and they zapped my brain with the memory gun. They didn’t erase me though. Or him. They just erased one of my voices. When I came back I pretended I had no idea and Mabel tried to make me remember with her stupid scrap book thing so I went along with it and pretended to get my memory back.

We had our 13th birthday in Gravity Falls and left after. The weirdest thing was that even with Bill, who shouldn’t have been able to leave, nestled safely in my mind I was still able to get out without issue. When we got home the damage to my mind became very clear. Mabel often found me talking to myself or staring off into space. A know it all doctor diagnosed me with PTSD and maybe I had that but I knew the problem went so much deeper than just that.

One day after school some police officers picked us up. They told us that there had been an accident and our parents had passed. Mabel broke but I just stared into space. They told us that Stan and Ford were coming to take us in. When we arrived at the house we had lived in for so long to gather our things and leave, we were embraced tightly by our grunkles as they whispered apologies to us over and over.

Mabel tried to cling to me but I shook her off and went to get my things. She watched after me sobbing on the ground. We arrived back in Gravity Falls and for some reason I just.. couldn’t deal with it again? I think what was left of me broke when we got back. I was depressed, dealing with all these voices, Bill, guilt, and now my parents death. They all watched me spiral. They were afraid when I would suddenly break out in loud hysterical fits of laughter. They watched me fall and did nothing to stop it.

_Fractured_

Numb and inky as I move through my life now. Numb to the pain of my parents death. Numb to the betrayal of my only sister. I move through this life like I could be a zombie, unfeeling, uncaring, unseeing. The motions are stiff and broken, a boy only going on muscle memory. They notice. They worry, they ponder. The lab is cold, cold as me. I am always strapped into something, the cold thing they make me sit. The flashes go through the air, through my eyes and someone is screaming. Electricity crackles but I am not there anymore. I am far away from the pain of this life. Bill takes the pain for me. He laughs.

When I come back they are watching me, touching me, begging me. I wished they would leave me alone. Someone pulls back, I must have spoken out loud. The world feels like it is closing in and I can't breathe, I can’t breathe, I can't _breathe, I can't breathe_, but then I am grabbed and held tightly. The hold is warm and comforting but I don’t want it. I only want Bill. Bill is protecting me, he is helping me. Bill can save me.

Glances are exchanged between people, the air is still and cold. There is something hot on my face. Touching it find its wet. I don’t remember when I started to cry. Suddenly I am not longer on the ground but in the air, no in arms. I am carried up the stairs to my attic room and laid to rest there. I am not strapped down. When they leave me I am able to get up. Bill always whispering words of comfort. Even he is horrified. He wishes to save me. He tells me his plan was never to kill me he wished to take me with him, let me rule beside him. He leads me out, protecting me, loving me. Some part of me feels like this is wrong.

Static buzzing loud, skin crawling and my stomach hurts. Breaths are coming in quick puffs as I stumble through the home I share. Blackness creeping at the edge of my vision and my movements are not my own. Whispers turn to shouts of encouragement and degradation in my mind. A hand covers my mouth, breathing fast but quiet. The door is open and I am running into the night.

There are shouts behind me, make the static grow louder. Sounding footsteps running through the leaves behind me, trying to catch me, trying to trap me. The panic is building a hard painful bubble in my chest making my heart race and my mind crumble. The only thing I know in this moment is escape.

My body rushing through the trees faster than the noise can follow, the wind pushing through my hair, birthmark exposed for the world to see. My God leading us to our freedom, moving through the forest as though I have lived here many lifetimes. Perhaps I have. The noise is fading far behind me but still we run, happy and free. The static fades just enough and we are together once again. Just us together. The feeling in my chest is expanding into more than the panic. It is my love for my savior. We reach a cave miles away from the place that was never home. Breathlessly laughing I feel loss but somehow he is in front of me. All the color is gone from the world and I know we are here.

Something is itching in the back of my head and I almost pull it out but then his lips are on mine and I couldn’t care less. In this place I can feel no pain, no sorrow, no regret. All I feel is the love we have cultured in months spent together. In this moment he is my entire universe and I am his. With this creature more dangerous than any God, the creator and destroyer of worlds I am happy. I am happy as he caresses my skin, and when we tumble into each other, entangled together while he pushes and pushes and I am crying with the happiness of it all. This overwhelming pleasure and love, and I am screaming with it. He has no need to be gentle, and we are the only two that matter. When hours go by and our gasping cries of pleasure cease we remain in the mind scape. We remain and it doesn’t matter because he is here, and with him anywhere we go I know. I know.

_I am home._


End file.
